It seems as if all I can think about now is how lost I feel in the world. I've grown up...now what. There's no handbook telling you how to act, what to wear, how to live. I'm stuck in this in-between, trying to figure out how I landed here in the first place. I'm here in New York and it's the most fun I've ever had, but I'm missing substance. I feel as if being here is the spine of the book, what holds everything together, now what do I fill the pages with?
In my acting class we're working on having an extreme opinion about everything. I think that was the beginning of how I feel now. Every time I saw, smelt, felt, tasted, or heard something I'd have an extreme opinion about it and it always brought me back to how empty I feel here.
No more sorrow,
No more pain
Endless sunshine
No more rain
What do i have to do to get that? Life will never hold that for me. But I am trusting my life in my own hands. Please Darius, don't fuck up this time...I'm trusting you.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Deep Breath...Here Goes...
Who am I?
Trapped in this avalanche of a life,
Lost in a flurry of wrongs and rights.
What's wrong? What's right?
I don't know anymore.
Everything is warped and twisted into unintelligible signs and shapes,
Make a left at confusion street, go down to disorganization lane, go up lost mans' hill and exit at depression avenue. Starve yourself, pull all-nighters, blame yourself for everything wrong in life, look at the bad side of things and you're halfway there.
But before you continue you must make a decision.
Any decision, just decide on something.
I can't. I can't choose. It's too hard, too much pressure. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I fail? What if everything everyone said about me was right? Maybe I really am just a nobody, doomed to follow in the footsteps of those before me, never making a name for myself, never getting any better or and closer to my goal. What is my goal? Happiness? FAIL! When does it happen then? When will happiness actually be a seemingly attainable goal and not just something to look forward to? Rearview mirrors weren't made to be looked at, they were made to be looked through. How do you know where you've been if all you have to judge by is where you're going? What if I get knocked back to square one. How will I know where to go? I've been there before, but I never looked back to see where I came from. I'm lost, starting all over with an entirely different path. Not knowing if I've been here before... this tree looks familiar, no...wait...they're all the same. FUCK!
And how will I know once I'm there if I've never been before? Why is life such a BITCH? You know... it's not a bitch. It's a guy. It fucks you and leaves you sitting there looking stupid.
I told you so.
Shut up.
I'm done. I don't know what to do, where to go... it's all looking the same now, I've been here before. Am I walking in circles? I must be. That's the only explanation.
I guess I'll just go on. Keep my head up, even in the storm. I can't let it get to me.
My life's a blizzard. It's cold. And my toes are frozen, and my nose is frozen, and all I can do to keep warm is huddle into myself. I'm the only one here. All alone. Fighting to stay alive.
Think warmth.
Breathe.
Stop Breathing.
Resuscitate.
Too late.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Long Island!!
Image via Wikipediacollege is amazing, I absolutely love New York City and everything about it! It's exactly as I dreamed it up and then some! I love my friends, I love my roommates, and I love everything (well almost everything) about college life! (I just can't wait to get home)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
queso and condoms ;-)
So much has happened since we've last spoken... where do I start? How about where I left off last time?
So I'm trying to forget about that whole fiasco last week. It was just an emotional week for me, and I didn't think I could handle it. But I talked to my dad, and in his demented idea of advice, helped me a lot. He basically said that I've been through ten times worse and gotten through it a stronger person, and after coming this far how could i even think about giving up? And I had to think about that... When I thought I wasn't going to be able to come to New York I cried like a baby, I thought my life was over. But here I am, and I'm having second thoughts? It was just an emotional period and I'm beyond over it!
One thing that really helped me was going to Central Park with a friend of mine. I saw how beautiful everything was around me and I knew in my heart that this is where I belong. There's nowhere on Earth I'd rather be than studying acting in New York City. My childhood dream has come true, now where do I go from here?
I think I'm extremely blessed to have the friends that I have. They support me in everything that I do, and because of them I really feel at home here. It's funny that after only a month (barely) I've grown so close to this group of people, we have our own little inside jokes (hence the title) and our own little traditions!
It's hard being away from home, but theres a certain sense of freedom that makes you want to stay. Yeah, we're broke and the only thing in the fridge is a jar of queso, some nutella and half a bottle of milk...but we're here! We're doing what so many people cannot...following our dreams! Now lets see where they take us. :)
~*kisses*~
So I'm trying to forget about that whole fiasco last week. It was just an emotional week for me, and I didn't think I could handle it. But I talked to my dad, and in his demented idea of advice, helped me a lot. He basically said that I've been through ten times worse and gotten through it a stronger person, and after coming this far how could i even think about giving up? And I had to think about that... When I thought I wasn't going to be able to come to New York I cried like a baby, I thought my life was over. But here I am, and I'm having second thoughts? It was just an emotional period and I'm beyond over it!
One thing that really helped me was going to Central Park with a friend of mine. I saw how beautiful everything was around me and I knew in my heart that this is where I belong. There's nowhere on Earth I'd rather be than studying acting in New York City. My childhood dream has come true, now where do I go from here?
I think I'm extremely blessed to have the friends that I have. They support me in everything that I do, and because of them I really feel at home here. It's funny that after only a month (barely) I've grown so close to this group of people, we have our own little inside jokes (hence the title) and our own little traditions!
It's hard being away from home, but theres a certain sense of freedom that makes you want to stay. Yeah, we're broke and the only thing in the fridge is a jar of queso, some nutella and half a bottle of milk...but we're here! We're doing what so many people cannot...following our dreams! Now lets see where they take us. :)
~*kisses*~
Monday, September 20, 2010
All in a Week...
Last week was the worst week I could ever have imagined. Let me tell you what happened from the beginning;
So, to begin with, I broke my glasses about two weeks ago, so I've been walking around with broken glasses (don't judge, it gives them character :P). At first it was just a crack along the upper right-hand side of the right lens. Then, that crack finally broke apart and the lens was literally snapped in two. That happened towards the middle of last week. Skipping a few days now, Tuesday I auditioned for my first show! I was so excited (even though I knew I wasn't getting cast, it was a great experience), but I completely wasn't prepared to get cut off half way through my monologue, I was pretty disappointed, but I got over it. After that, I lost my key. I used my key (which is attached to the keychain on my wallet, meaning I lost my entire wallet) to get into my room Tuesday night, my roommates had a bunch of friends over. I went and got some ice-cream and did some homework, and right as I was getting ready to leave out to my friends room, I couldn't find my key.
This was after everyone had left already, and I freaked out! I know I used that key to come in the room, and it's not like it's just a single key, it's a whole wallet! So now, my school ID, metro card, debit card, food card, house key, mail-box key, and cash is GONE! I've looked everywhere and it is literally nowhere to be found! And every time I enter the dorms or the school without my ID, I'm supposed to get charged. FML. It's not like I can just get a new ID, house key, and mailbox key... that would cost me $80 total. And all of my money was in my wallet. Go figure. So I have to knock to get into my own room, and I can't buy food without my ID which has my meal plan on it. And did I mention I have no cash?
Alright, so Thursday I'm feeling so overwhelmed with everything that I can't handle it. And it's not just the wallet thing. It's the fact that every one of my friends is extremely talented. They can all sing, dance, play the piano or all three! I feel so out of place here. I want to be able to go out to see plays with them, but I know I don't have the money to do that, and it's embarrassing. Also, if not for my friends, I'd be practically starving. I can't buy myself food with no money and no meal-plan. Then, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm seeing so many relationships built, and I want one of them to be me, but no... it doesn't work out that way. And on top of everything I was home-sick. At first it was fine, but seeing my friends go home on weekends made me feel like shit. I wish I could go home for the weekend, and be with my family, but I can't... they live on the opposite side of the country. So I called my mom and told her I didn't like it here and I wanted to go home. I was an emotional wreck.
Here comes the fun part. Friday night, after I told my mom I was fine, and was just going through a phase of home-sickness, my friends and I went to an NYU frat party! I got FUBAR! (f*cked up beyond all recognition) I puked soo much it was crazy, and I don't remember the majority of the night. But according to everyone else, I spilt my guts about a huge crush I have on one of my friends, and that's why I kept drinking. Because I was upset that he met someone at the party, and it wasn't me. And I told him all of that... I'm not sure if he remembers it (I sure don't), he probably does, and just isn't saying anything about it. Why do I do this to myself?
So here I am drunk out of my mind, falling off the ladder to my bed, and what do I do, but puke in my dorm room, and on my roommates blanket. The next day, the room smelled like someone died. I cleaned it up, and washed the bedding. I'm sure my roommates hated me. Then, I went to watch "Remember Me"... a really good movie.. but it was horrible :P
And that was my week. FML.
~*kisses*~
So, to begin with, I broke my glasses about two weeks ago, so I've been walking around with broken glasses (don't judge, it gives them character :P). At first it was just a crack along the upper right-hand side of the right lens. Then, that crack finally broke apart and the lens was literally snapped in two. That happened towards the middle of last week. Skipping a few days now, Tuesday I auditioned for my first show! I was so excited (even though I knew I wasn't getting cast, it was a great experience), but I completely wasn't prepared to get cut off half way through my monologue, I was pretty disappointed, but I got over it. After that, I lost my key. I used my key (which is attached to the keychain on my wallet, meaning I lost my entire wallet) to get into my room Tuesday night, my roommates had a bunch of friends over. I went and got some ice-cream and did some homework, and right as I was getting ready to leave out to my friends room, I couldn't find my key.
This was after everyone had left already, and I freaked out! I know I used that key to come in the room, and it's not like it's just a single key, it's a whole wallet! So now, my school ID, metro card, debit card, food card, house key, mail-box key, and cash is GONE! I've looked everywhere and it is literally nowhere to be found! And every time I enter the dorms or the school without my ID, I'm supposed to get charged. FML. It's not like I can just get a new ID, house key, and mailbox key... that would cost me $80 total. And all of my money was in my wallet. Go figure. So I have to knock to get into my own room, and I can't buy food without my ID which has my meal plan on it. And did I mention I have no cash?
Alright, so Thursday I'm feeling so overwhelmed with everything that I can't handle it. And it's not just the wallet thing. It's the fact that every one of my friends is extremely talented. They can all sing, dance, play the piano or all three! I feel so out of place here. I want to be able to go out to see plays with them, but I know I don't have the money to do that, and it's embarrassing. Also, if not for my friends, I'd be practically starving. I can't buy myself food with no money and no meal-plan. Then, I'm tired of being lonely. I'm seeing so many relationships built, and I want one of them to be me, but no... it doesn't work out that way. And on top of everything I was home-sick. At first it was fine, but seeing my friends go home on weekends made me feel like shit. I wish I could go home for the weekend, and be with my family, but I can't... they live on the opposite side of the country. So I called my mom and told her I didn't like it here and I wanted to go home. I was an emotional wreck.
Here comes the fun part. Friday night, after I told my mom I was fine, and was just going through a phase of home-sickness, my friends and I went to an NYU frat party! I got FUBAR! (f*cked up beyond all recognition) I puked soo much it was crazy, and I don't remember the majority of the night. But according to everyone else, I spilt my guts about a huge crush I have on one of my friends, and that's why I kept drinking. Because I was upset that he met someone at the party, and it wasn't me. And I told him all of that... I'm not sure if he remembers it (I sure don't), he probably does, and just isn't saying anything about it. Why do I do this to myself?
So here I am drunk out of my mind, falling off the ladder to my bed, and what do I do, but puke in my dorm room, and on my roommates blanket. The next day, the room smelled like someone died. I cleaned it up, and washed the bedding. I'm sure my roommates hated me. Then, I went to watch "Remember Me"... a really good movie.. but it was horrible :P
And that was my week. FML.
~*kisses*~
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Whats new in the life of Me???!
Wow, it's my second week of classes and everything is going great. So let me catch you guyz up on my life so far... I partied like hell my first week here, then after classes started it seemed like there were a shit-load of fail nights! Even though last weekend (another fail night) I had a ball! I hung out with the crew and one of my friends almost chopped her toe off... (who the f-word wears sandals in New York City at 2am??) lmfao! It was soo scary though! I almost passed out from all the blood :P
Then another night, I went out to Central Park with another friend of mine. On the way there, we stopped inside of the apple store and omgee it was friggin HUGE! I love it there!... Now, I know what you're thinking; Why the hell are we going to central park in the middle of the night? We're actors, we take risks!! Actually we were just bored... so here we are walking through the park, and we're jumping at every noise, and paranoid beyond reason, it's hilarious! But then we found our way back to the fountain and we lied on the ground staring up at the buildings and the sky and just thinking about how truly blessed we are to be in this city.
O_o another interesting thing, I"m auditioning for my first college show tonight!! I'm not nervous like I thought I would be, Im super excited though! And let me tell you, when everyoen tells you that college is hard work...listen to them! there's noone to remind you to do your homework, and you have to put yourself on a reliable schedule..just make sure you stay focused, its alot to do, but you have plenty of time to get it done!!
~*~kisses~*~
Then another night, I went out to Central Park with another friend of mine. On the way there, we stopped inside of the apple store and omgee it was friggin HUGE! I love it there!... Now, I know what you're thinking; Why the hell are we going to central park in the middle of the night? We're actors, we take risks!! Actually we were just bored... so here we are walking through the park, and we're jumping at every noise, and paranoid beyond reason, it's hilarious! But then we found our way back to the fountain and we lied on the ground staring up at the buildings and the sky and just thinking about how truly blessed we are to be in this city.
O_o another interesting thing, I"m auditioning for my first college show tonight!! I'm not nervous like I thought I would be, Im super excited though! And let me tell you, when everyoen tells you that college is hard work...listen to them! there's noone to remind you to do your homework, and you have to put yourself on a reliable schedule..just make sure you stay focused, its alot to do, but you have plenty of time to get it done!!
~*~kisses~*~
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
College in the City
Image via WikipediaA couple days ago I saw "Next to Normal" on Broadway with a good friend of mine. It was AMAZING! I can't wait to go see more broadway shows and hang out in Central Park and get cursed out by random cab drivers, and ride the subway, and go clubbing, and meet cute boys (it seems like they're all gay! lol) and eat good food, and...shall I continue?! So incase you didn't notice, theres EVERYTHING to do in this city!
So today was my first day of classes and I loved it! Even though Tuesdays are my busy days... acting 10-11:20, Economy, soiety and the state 5:50-7:10, and First Year Mentoring 7:15- 8:35 ugh :-P, but it was a great experience, and I love my classes. My biggest class so far is 17 people (the benefits of a small liberal arts college) and my books seem pretty cheap!
Sorry it's been forever guyz, but I promise to update more often!!
~*kisses*~
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Coming Out
So I was thinking about my coming out story today, and thought I'd share it with you guyz! it's actually quite funny if I may say so myself :-)
There are actually three different coming out stories. Because I came out to my family three different times (crazy, I know :P) So let's begin, shall we?
7th grade: "The Notebook"
when I was in seventh grade, my friends and I had this notebook that we'd pass around to eachother between classes. It was like texting, before texting was as huge as it is now! << Let me back up a bit.... That year was the year I came out to my friends as bisexual. Even though I was sure I was gay, i thought it'd be easier to do it that way. In the notebook we talked about all of the things we cant say to other people, and some very personal information was contained in the pages of that notebook!
Here comes the upsetting part. One night, after replying to my friends in the notebook (it was my day to take it home), I mistakingly left it sitting on my sisters bed. That night, shortly after falling asleep, I felt a swift kick to my side. it was my mother. She was holding the notebook in her hand and I swear i saw steam coming out of her ears! She had read some of the notes we passed and learned of my secret identity. I was sent to the living room couch so that i could have a talk with my mom and step-dad. Hearing my mom cry like that, asking God "What did I do wrong?" hurt me. I never ment to make her hurt so bad. She sent me to talk to my youth pastro about it and it was soo embarrassing!! So I convinced them that I was pretending to be bisexual to get closer to the girls. (and they believed that load?!) HA!
After about a month the issue was behind us and my parents actually forgot it ever happened. the very next year i got a girlfriend...
10th grade: "Here's who I am"
So I came out as gay to all of my friends at the beginning of 10th grade. By that point I had lived the gay lifestyle in the closet for quite some time. However, I was not ready to break up with my girlfriend. I really liked her (as a friend of course) and would have hated myself to hurt her. I finally did it halfway through sophomore year. ... In January 2008 we moved to Casa Grande, AZ. There was where I really grew to accept who I was. And after a few months i was ready to face my parents. So I told them. "I'm gay" just like that. At first my mom laughed it off. But after a while I couldn't take it any longer. They took it as a joke. I was just "going through a phase" and it would be over soon. I couldn't take it. That night I left home to stay with a friend of mine for a while. It was hard to deal with my parents.
After i got back home, my mom was completely different towards me. All of a sudden every little thing I did was wrong. She didn't let me go to school on the day of silence. She treated me like I was demon possessed. And quite literally the worse thing she's ever done to me, she pulled me out of the school musical a few days before opening night. I couldn't believe that! I hated her guts! It felt like i was living in hell, and I hated every moment that i was at home! ... thankfully, I was in an amazing relationship. His name was Steven, and I was head over heels for that boy. During that time I considered suicide more than once, and it was him that kept me alive... I literally owe him my life <3
I ran away again because I couldn't take my family. My mother would come into my room at night, thinking I was asleep, and she'd pray and cry. And it killed me inside ot know that my mother was hurting so deeply because of me. I had to leave. i stayed with a family who i considered my own. they loved and accepted me for who I was and I absolutely adored them! (the funny part is that they live down the street from where I lived, my parents didn't look that hard). I was there a few days, then went home. It slowly got easier for me.
11th grade "the doctor"
After that whole episode, we never talked about it again. I guess my mom and step-dad made themselves forget, or figured the phase was over adn i was straight. One day my stepdad took me to the doctor, and found out that I have sex with guys... it was hilarious to see the expression on his face. Somewhat like had just bitten into a lemon (peel and all) that had been saturated in skunk spray and piss! lol. So he went and told my mom.. lol and it went downhill from there. It was pretty much a repeat of the above, just not as bad. My mom called our pastor to come over and have a session with me. I guess she thought they could cast the gay out of me! lmfao!! The rest of that year i was constantly on punishment... it sucked :P
Now, everything between me and my parents is fine. They know who I am, and even if they don't agree with my sexual orientation, they accept me and have realized that i will not change (thank Jesus!)
there is so much more that I could tell you, but it would only depress me. I can't put into words the devastation I felt being treated the way that my parents treated me. coming out is never an easy thing, and it is a life-long journey. I encourage anyone struggling to come out to have a strong support system of friends, and to be 100% honest with yourself before you begin.
~*kisses*~
There are actually three different coming out stories. Because I came out to my family three different times (crazy, I know :P) So let's begin, shall we?
7th grade: "The Notebook"
when I was in seventh grade, my friends and I had this notebook that we'd pass around to eachother between classes. It was like texting, before texting was as huge as it is now! << Let me back up a bit.... That year was the year I came out to my friends as bisexual. Even though I was sure I was gay, i thought it'd be easier to do it that way. In the notebook we talked about all of the things we cant say to other people, and some very personal information was contained in the pages of that notebook!
Here comes the upsetting part. One night, after replying to my friends in the notebook (it was my day to take it home), I mistakingly left it sitting on my sisters bed. That night, shortly after falling asleep, I felt a swift kick to my side. it was my mother. She was holding the notebook in her hand and I swear i saw steam coming out of her ears! She had read some of the notes we passed and learned of my secret identity. I was sent to the living room couch so that i could have a talk with my mom and step-dad. Hearing my mom cry like that, asking God "What did I do wrong?" hurt me. I never ment to make her hurt so bad. She sent me to talk to my youth pastro about it and it was soo embarrassing!! So I convinced them that I was pretending to be bisexual to get closer to the girls. (and they believed that load?!) HA!
After about a month the issue was behind us and my parents actually forgot it ever happened. the very next year i got a girlfriend...
10th grade: "Here's who I am"
So I came out as gay to all of my friends at the beginning of 10th grade. By that point I had lived the gay lifestyle in the closet for quite some time. However, I was not ready to break up with my girlfriend. I really liked her (as a friend of course) and would have hated myself to hurt her. I finally did it halfway through sophomore year. ... In January 2008 we moved to Casa Grande, AZ. There was where I really grew to accept who I was. And after a few months i was ready to face my parents. So I told them. "I'm gay" just like that. At first my mom laughed it off. But after a while I couldn't take it any longer. They took it as a joke. I was just "going through a phase" and it would be over soon. I couldn't take it. That night I left home to stay with a friend of mine for a while. It was hard to deal with my parents.
After i got back home, my mom was completely different towards me. All of a sudden every little thing I did was wrong. She didn't let me go to school on the day of silence. She treated me like I was demon possessed. And quite literally the worse thing she's ever done to me, she pulled me out of the school musical a few days before opening night. I couldn't believe that! I hated her guts! It felt like i was living in hell, and I hated every moment that i was at home! ... thankfully, I was in an amazing relationship. His name was Steven, and I was head over heels for that boy. During that time I considered suicide more than once, and it was him that kept me alive... I literally owe him my life <3
I ran away again because I couldn't take my family. My mother would come into my room at night, thinking I was asleep, and she'd pray and cry. And it killed me inside ot know that my mother was hurting so deeply because of me. I had to leave. i stayed with a family who i considered my own. they loved and accepted me for who I was and I absolutely adored them! (the funny part is that they live down the street from where I lived, my parents didn't look that hard). I was there a few days, then went home. It slowly got easier for me.
11th grade "the doctor"
After that whole episode, we never talked about it again. I guess my mom and step-dad made themselves forget, or figured the phase was over adn i was straight. One day my stepdad took me to the doctor, and found out that I have sex with guys... it was hilarious to see the expression on his face. Somewhat like had just bitten into a lemon (peel and all) that had been saturated in skunk spray and piss! lol. So he went and told my mom.. lol and it went downhill from there. It was pretty much a repeat of the above, just not as bad. My mom called our pastor to come over and have a session with me. I guess she thought they could cast the gay out of me! lmfao!! The rest of that year i was constantly on punishment... it sucked :P
Now, everything between me and my parents is fine. They know who I am, and even if they don't agree with my sexual orientation, they accept me and have realized that i will not change (thank Jesus!)
there is so much more that I could tell you, but it would only depress me. I can't put into words the devastation I felt being treated the way that my parents treated me. coming out is never an easy thing, and it is a life-long journey. I encourage anyone struggling to come out to have a strong support system of friends, and to be 100% honest with yourself before you begin.
~*kisses*~
Monday, August 16, 2010
When life gives you lemons..."what the @!#$ do I need lemons for?!"
I am tired of pretending to be content with my life. So I'm not going to New York, boo-hoo. At least I know that I made it this far! And I'll be going to community college, Oh well... I'll get over it. I've come to learn that everything happens for a reason. However, that knowledge does absolutely nothing to make me feel better about myself. Life is a bitch, plain and simple and you're not always going to get everything you want (big surprise) but you learn to live with it.
So my little brother just came home. He was living with my dad for a while, but now he's back and I'm already tired of him. This little f*cker went out and got high, leaving my 11 year old brother at the mall by himself! I don't shive a git that he's out getting high, o well... he's old enough to make his own choices so have at it! But when my eleven year old brother is involved, it's a whole different story. So not only did he leave him at the mall alone, he came back bragging about how high he was! So now my eleven year old brother is looking up at him thinking that smoking weed is all fun and games! Have we forgotten that eleven year old children are extremely impressionable?!
That pissed me off soooo bad!! But...everything happens for a reason.
hmm...
Does that work in this case? What could I have possibly gotten out of that? Besides pissed off by my fifteen year old dumb ass brother?!
Anywho... God, when is it my turn to have a nice slice of the good life? I mean, is it too much to ask to get to go to my dream school?! I guess so... or what about, is it too much to ask to have a brother with a little bit of sense, or a father who's honest and gives a shit, or a mother who accepts me for who I am, or a job, or a boyfriend, or ANYTHING THAT I CAN BE HAPPY ABOUT?!
... well at least I'm alive.
who cares about happiness... am I being un-grateful? I mean, I have a family who loves me (if not like), clothes on my back, food on the table...yadda yadda ya. Happiness is irrelevant.
(3 minutes of zen breathing)
okay, I feel better now. I understand that I'm being a brat, get over it. Just because I am not content with my life doesn't mean that my life is over. I'm not giving up, I refuse to give anyone that pleasure. I am going to make the best of every lemon life gives me and make the best damn lemonade anyone has ever tasted!! (too bad you can't have any) lol. I understand that I have to keep moving forward and take it one day at a time. So, just because happiness is currently M.I.A. does not mean that it will be gone forever. My best bet is just to hang in there <3
Thanks for listening (reading) :-)
~*kisses*~
So my little brother just came home. He was living with my dad for a while, but now he's back and I'm already tired of him. This little f*cker went out and got high, leaving my 11 year old brother at the mall by himself! I don't shive a git that he's out getting high, o well... he's old enough to make his own choices so have at it! But when my eleven year old brother is involved, it's a whole different story. So not only did he leave him at the mall alone, he came back bragging about how high he was! So now my eleven year old brother is looking up at him thinking that smoking weed is all fun and games! Have we forgotten that eleven year old children are extremely impressionable?!
That pissed me off soooo bad!! But...everything happens for a reason.
hmm...
Does that work in this case? What could I have possibly gotten out of that? Besides pissed off by my fifteen year old dumb ass brother?!
Anywho... God, when is it my turn to have a nice slice of the good life? I mean, is it too much to ask to get to go to my dream school?! I guess so... or what about, is it too much to ask to have a brother with a little bit of sense, or a father who's honest and gives a shit, or a mother who accepts me for who I am, or a job, or a boyfriend, or ANYTHING THAT I CAN BE HAPPY ABOUT?!
... well at least I'm alive.
who cares about happiness... am I being un-grateful? I mean, I have a family who loves me (if not like), clothes on my back, food on the table...yadda yadda ya. Happiness is irrelevant.
(3 minutes of zen breathing)
okay, I feel better now. I understand that I'm being a brat, get over it. Just because I am not content with my life doesn't mean that my life is over. I'm not giving up, I refuse to give anyone that pleasure. I am going to make the best of every lemon life gives me and make the best damn lemonade anyone has ever tasted!! (too bad you can't have any) lol. I understand that I have to keep moving forward and take it one day at a time. So, just because happiness is currently M.I.A. does not mean that it will be gone forever. My best bet is just to hang in there <3
Thanks for listening (reading) :-)
~*kisses*~
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I take it back
You know that feeling when your dreams are floating about 500 miles above your head, and you grad your jetpack, throw it on and go after them, then right before you reach out and grab them the gas in your jetpack runs out and you fall back to earth feeling pathetic and heart-broken?... Well that's how I feel right now.
I had every hope set on attending Marymount Manhattan College this fall, unfortunately life didn't want to work out my way. So as of August 30th, I'll be a student at ... it hurts to say... College of the Desert..... AKA Craphole of the Desert, AKA College of Despair -- shall I continue? I think you get the picture.
I can't believe that after all this back and forth I'm ending up here. I got my own hopes up for nothing and I kind of resent myself for it. I should have known that nothing in life goes my way, why should this be any different? I'm trying not to be overly dramatic about this, last time I thought I had to go to COD I cried like a baby, this time I'll wait til I'm by myself.
I've come to realize that in life we just expect things to go our way, when in reality things very rarely go the way we'd like them to. Life's a bitch and then you die... I'm just now understanding that saying, and it's true.
I know everyone tells me its only for a year and then you can transfer, but Marymount isn't getting any cheaper, why should I expect it to be more affordable in a year, or even two? I don't know... I guess I am being dramatic afterall, but it's what I do, that's why I act! If you don't like it stop reading... I'll love you just the same [only less ;-)]
~*kisses*~
I had every hope set on attending Marymount Manhattan College this fall, unfortunately life didn't want to work out my way. So as of August 30th, I'll be a student at ... it hurts to say... College of the Desert..... AKA Craphole of the Desert, AKA College of Despair -- shall I continue? I think you get the picture.
I can't believe that after all this back and forth I'm ending up here. I got my own hopes up for nothing and I kind of resent myself for it. I should have known that nothing in life goes my way, why should this be any different? I'm trying not to be overly dramatic about this, last time I thought I had to go to COD I cried like a baby, this time I'll wait til I'm by myself.
I've come to realize that in life we just expect things to go our way, when in reality things very rarely go the way we'd like them to. Life's a bitch and then you die... I'm just now understanding that saying, and it's true.
I know everyone tells me its only for a year and then you can transfer, but Marymount isn't getting any cheaper, why should I expect it to be more affordable in a year, or even two? I don't know... I guess I am being dramatic afterall, but it's what I do, that's why I act! If you don't like it stop reading... I'll love you just the same [only less ;-)]
~*kisses*~
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Soo excited
So as I've mentioned before, I'm about to leave for college in 3 weeks! Although i am still not all the way there financially, I am sure that it'll work out for the best. I could not be more excited to get the hell out of mommies house and be off on my own! Can you believe it? It seems like I've been waiting for this sooo long and now that it's finally happening I barely know what to do! I go back and forth between being ecstatic and scared, but I truly can't wait.
I'm going to overload you with college life blogs come the 28th so be ready!!
~*kisses**~
I'm going to overload you with college life blogs come the 28th so be ready!!
~*kisses**~
Friday, August 6, 2010
Last nights vision
So it's been quite a while since I've had a premonition like this one. Last night I woke up to get a drink of water from the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen I sat down at the counter and that's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know I'm being flown away by sylphs (air elementals) to the top of a nearby mountain. I look out and instead of seeing the lights of the city I see light beings flying above and below. Every time they stop I feel the pain of the earth. They stop on tree tops and I feel the agonizing burn of forest fires, They stop in fields and hear the anguish in mother Earth's cry, they stop on rocks and I feel the sorrow of generations before, they sit on water and i cry. I cry out for our mother who has been beaten and raped. I cry out for the people who donnot realize the pain they cause. I cry out for the decades of darkness that our mother has seen.
But it doesn't end their. The light beings come together in the sky and dive deep into the core of the earth. I hear one last scream from mother earth and the universe jumps for joy! The pain she withstood for years was gone, the blood spilled on her washed away, and where my tears hit the earth flowers bloomed! I felt clensed and I loved it! I wanted to fly into the air and celebrate, but deep in my heart I knew it was far from over. Because not only does the earth have to change, the hearts of the people who inhabit her must also.
This vision made me both happy and sad. How do we get to this point? When will this happen?
I woke up on the floor of my kitchen, drank my water and went to bed.
~*kisses*~
But it doesn't end their. The light beings come together in the sky and dive deep into the core of the earth. I hear one last scream from mother earth and the universe jumps for joy! The pain she withstood for years was gone, the blood spilled on her washed away, and where my tears hit the earth flowers bloomed! I felt clensed and I loved it! I wanted to fly into the air and celebrate, but deep in my heart I knew it was far from over. Because not only does the earth have to change, the hearts of the people who inhabit her must also.
This vision made me both happy and sad. How do we get to this point? When will this happen?
I woke up on the floor of my kitchen, drank my water and went to bed.
~*kisses*~
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I give up
Why move on when holding on is so much easier?
I've held on this long and I know it's time to let go but I just can't, it hurts so bad and.. I just can't.
I've held on this long and I know it's time to let go but I just can't, it hurts so bad and.. I just can't.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Fear
Image via WikipediaSo I went to prayer at my church on Wednesday and the pastor talked about fear. there really isn't any need for fear in my life. I need to stand up and do something about my fears instead of letting them define me.
I'm always helping people with their problems, whether they're relationship related or indigo related, for some reason they call me. And I love it. I love helping people and I love when people know they can come to me with their problems. But who's going to help me? There's about four people who I can actually be honest with about what's going on in my life... but I don't talk to them as much as I should. And I hate admitting when I'm going through something.
So I'm letting go of my fears. By admitting them here I can strive to let go of them and go on with my life. Fear is the core of all of my problems and I can't get anywhere in life with it. So let me continue my list of fears...
I'm afraid that people are going to look at me and see all the secrets of my past, I'm afraid to be judged, even though I know its inevitable, I'm afraid that I won't be able to help my family and that we'll end up like every other time... kicked out and on the move. I'm afraid that my siblings will have to struggle like I did because we can't afford a better life for them. I'm afraid that my closest brother is going through more than he's ever been through and I'm not there to help him through it. I'm afraid that my career will end up in the gutter, I'm afraid that I will disappoint my mother, I'm afraid that I will destroy my future because of a bad decision I've already made. I afraid that I will gain wait if I don't start exercising regularly, I'm afraid that I'm too average, I'm afraid that I won't get any lead roles in college plays, I'm afraid that I'll be single for the rest of my life, I'm afraid that noone finds me attractive.
I have never expressed those fears to anyone, but now they're out there... and now I can let go of them...hopefully.
~~*kisses*~~
this thing called life...
Image via WikipediaOn top of that my family is struggling worse than we ever have. Six people cannot live comfortably on $12,000 a year! It hurts me so much to see my mom struggle like this and I want to help but idk what to do! Get a job! okay, but do i use the money to help me or my mom? college or family? They'd want me to choose school, but i feel as if I have to take care of them. I don't know what to do, how to think, what to feel...
Theres a void in my life and I don't know what to fill it with. It seems as if happiness is just not a feasible thing right now. Depressed, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, useless...
I want to scream, but who will hear?
I want to cry, but who will catch my tears?
Life is hard, and I'm just now getting a taste of it. Is it too late to spit it out and order something else??
~~*kisses*~~
Thursday, July 29, 2010
RENT!!!
Incase you don't already know, i am a MAJOR Rent-head! I love the play, the movie, the soundtrack, the play-wright...everythign about it! So Imagine if you will, my reaction at finding out that Neil Patrick Harris is bringing it back!! Not only that, but (get this) Vanessa Hudgens (yes the tramp from High School Musical) is playing... MIMI!!!
lol
I knew it would only be a matter of time before she started stripping! hehe
But OMGEE!! I wanna see it soooooo bad! Like, you have NO idea! The show also stars Tracie Thom (from the film version) playing her fabulous Joanne! I haven't the slightest clue how this will turn out, but I trust Harris to give it to me GOOD!!! (umm...i mean... the play... =3)
So the play is running August 6-8 at the Hollywood Bowl... tickets range from $35-$156!
you can get tickets from http://www.hollywoodbowl.com/
~~*kisses*~~
lol
I knew it would only be a matter of time before she started stripping! hehe
But OMGEE!! I wanna see it soooooo bad! Like, you have NO idea! The show also stars Tracie Thom (from the film version) playing her fabulous Joanne! I haven't the slightest clue how this will turn out, but I trust Harris to give it to me GOOD!!! (umm...i mean... the play... =3)
So the play is running August 6-8 at the Hollywood Bowl... tickets range from $35-$156!
you can get tickets from http://www.hollywoodbowl.com/
~~*kisses*~~
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
LOGO short films
"Doorman"
It's about a Latino doorman of a New York apartment building
That's the only description on the page... put what it doesn't tell you is that it's a film about the constant struggle that he experiences when it comes to his sexuality. You can see how confused he gets and how it affects him on the inside and out. He wants to be with the guy but at the same time, (even though it is never mentioned in the film) he is "straight". Well, that's what I inferred. What is it about?... hard to say, why don't you go watch it yourself?
http://www.logotv.com/video/misc/272226/doorman.jhtml?id=1585642
It's really good because it shows how hard coming to terms can be on a person. The Doorman was absolutely gorgeous! But it was his first time with a man and he didn't know how to act. He got attached whereas the other guy just wanted a hookup... what's your take on it??
It's about a Latino doorman of a New York apartment building
That's the only description on the page... put what it doesn't tell you is that it's a film about the constant struggle that he experiences when it comes to his sexuality. You can see how confused he gets and how it affects him on the inside and out. He wants to be with the guy but at the same time, (even though it is never mentioned in the film) he is "straight". Well, that's what I inferred. What is it about?... hard to say, why don't you go watch it yourself?
http://www.logotv.com/video/misc/272226/doorman.jhtml?id=1585642
It's really good because it shows how hard coming to terms can be on a person. The Doorman was absolutely gorgeous! But it was his first time with a man and he didn't know how to act. He got attached whereas the other guy just wanted a hookup... what's your take on it??
Monday, July 19, 2010
Indigo Child
Image via WikipediaSo I bet you're wondering what exactly the indigo children are.. Indigos are born with innate gifts that include their psychological advancement over their peers and often psychic abilities. We process emotions differently than everyone else and are quick to see through any form manipulation being used against us. We have strong healing abilities (even if we don't know it) and are drawn to the people who need us most.
I personally believe that we were put on this earth to help with the psychological and spiritual evolution of mankind. To really explain it would take forever, but if you want to know more then google it!
I have always been very sensitive and psychic, and up until 3-4 years ago I was afraid to admit it. I've always been prone to premonitions and empathy..those are my gifts. My premonitions have changed the way I view the world and I am so grateful. I can talk about this forever, but how many people actually believe me? How many people will go out on a limb and help me to spread peace, love and prosperity to those around us?
I know I sound like some old ms.cleo hag, but lets look at the big picture. Where do YOU want our world to be in 100 years??
**kisses**
Sunday, July 18, 2010
2:35 AM
Time for more of my famous "spilling"... topic of the day; Love.
I used to tell myself not to fall in love until I'm 24 when my brain is fully developed, but it didn't work out that way. Many people have asked me why I was so depressed the entire first month I came to Palm Desert, CA. I haven't told many people this story, but...here goes.
In October of 2009 I was raped. The only thing is I can't be sure if it's actually considered rape because I set myself up for it. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with alcohol in my system. I got in his car and it was all downhill from there. I understand that I am partly responsible, but no means no. I hate myself for being in that situation because it has only caused hardship in my life. It was three months later when I finally told my aunt (whom I was living with at the time), and I only told her to justify the fact that I was roaming the city in the middle of the night and hopefully to stop myself from getting in more trouble than I was already in.
See, the reason I was out was because I had been having nightmares about the rape. And every time I had those nightmares I'd turn to alcohol (which my aunt was unaware of). The only other thing that helped was to sit on the river walk of downtown Detroit and cry. So I did. And when i tried to explain that to her, she went ballistic...so I left.
But the reason I'm writing is love. throughout all of this there was one person who really kept me sane. We had been dating on and off for about a year and a half and, for lack of a better phrase, I was hooked. I was hooked on him and I couldn't stay away. Once I started falling in love with him I left him for someone else to try and make the feelings go away...but they didn't. And I went back, because I knew that if I didn't I'd die inside. That's what it felt like being away from him.
Whenever something went wrong I knew I could trust him to love me through it, and to hold me until I was lost in his arms and nothing else on earth mattered.
I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. 1/24/10. We spent the whole day together and in our final moments we held each other like the world depended on our closeness. I knew in my heart that in a matter of hours I would be thousands of miles away from my heart, and I hated myself for it. If only I wasn't drinking that night...then I would never have been where I was and that guy would never have had his way with me and I would never have gotten in trouble for being out so late and I wouldn't have chosen to come back to California to be with my mother. It was my only option. And it killed me inside.
Coming to Cali was hell for me. the entire plane ride all I could think about was how much further from him I was getting. People have told me that it was only infatuation...childish infatuation...but I felt it myself. I feel it myself, and it is as real as anything has ever been. I wish it weren't sometimes, but it is.
The whole first month that I was here I cried atleast 5-6 times a day, then I cried myself to sleep. It literally hurt to be away from him. I was sick for a long time and honestly just wanted to die.
It's been almost 6 months and I still feel the same for him. I was in a good relationship for a while, but it was nothing close to what we had. I'm afraid to open my heart for anyone because I'm afraid that if I open it even a little, he'll fly out and I'll lose him forever.
The thing that scares me the most is that I have no clue if he still feels the same way about me. He says he does, but maybe I'm in this a little too deep. It hurts, and I'm doing everything I can not to give up on everything. I will NOT lose everything I worked so hard to get for a lost love...
I've loved, I've lost...now what??
3:08 AM
**kisses**
I used to tell myself not to fall in love until I'm 24 when my brain is fully developed, but it didn't work out that way. Many people have asked me why I was so depressed the entire first month I came to Palm Desert, CA. I haven't told many people this story, but...here goes.
In October of 2009 I was raped. The only thing is I can't be sure if it's actually considered rape because I set myself up for it. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with alcohol in my system. I got in his car and it was all downhill from there. I understand that I am partly responsible, but no means no. I hate myself for being in that situation because it has only caused hardship in my life. It was three months later when I finally told my aunt (whom I was living with at the time), and I only told her to justify the fact that I was roaming the city in the middle of the night and hopefully to stop myself from getting in more trouble than I was already in.
See, the reason I was out was because I had been having nightmares about the rape. And every time I had those nightmares I'd turn to alcohol (which my aunt was unaware of). The only other thing that helped was to sit on the river walk of downtown Detroit and cry. So I did. And when i tried to explain that to her, she went ballistic...so I left.
But the reason I'm writing is love. throughout all of this there was one person who really kept me sane. We had been dating on and off for about a year and a half and, for lack of a better phrase, I was hooked. I was hooked on him and I couldn't stay away. Once I started falling in love with him I left him for someone else to try and make the feelings go away...but they didn't. And I went back, because I knew that if I didn't I'd die inside. That's what it felt like being away from him.
Whenever something went wrong I knew I could trust him to love me through it, and to hold me until I was lost in his arms and nothing else on earth mattered.
I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. 1/24/10. We spent the whole day together and in our final moments we held each other like the world depended on our closeness. I knew in my heart that in a matter of hours I would be thousands of miles away from my heart, and I hated myself for it. If only I wasn't drinking that night...then I would never have been where I was and that guy would never have had his way with me and I would never have gotten in trouble for being out so late and I wouldn't have chosen to come back to California to be with my mother. It was my only option. And it killed me inside.
Coming to Cali was hell for me. the entire plane ride all I could think about was how much further from him I was getting. People have told me that it was only infatuation...childish infatuation...but I felt it myself. I feel it myself, and it is as real as anything has ever been. I wish it weren't sometimes, but it is.
The whole first month that I was here I cried atleast 5-6 times a day, then I cried myself to sleep. It literally hurt to be away from him. I was sick for a long time and honestly just wanted to die.
It's been almost 6 months and I still feel the same for him. I was in a good relationship for a while, but it was nothing close to what we had. I'm afraid to open my heart for anyone because I'm afraid that if I open it even a little, he'll fly out and I'll lose him forever.
The thing that scares me the most is that I have no clue if he still feels the same way about me. He says he does, but maybe I'm in this a little too deep. It hurts, and I'm doing everything I can not to give up on everything. I will NOT lose everything I worked so hard to get for a lost love...
I've loved, I've lost...now what??
3:08 AM
**kisses**
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Giddyup!!
Image by Dainis Matisons via FlickrThroughout my life, I've had to overcome so much that it has caused so much stress in my life. Gay bashers, racists and every other closed-minded, judgmental, hypocritical butt head. But I have overcome. And it has made me a stronger person.
My grandpa was also very influential in my decision to live a cruelty-free life. Seeing and feeding those horses made a huge impact on my life, and it saddened me to see how some of them were treated. So thank you grandpa for everything. You are truly an amazing person!!
**kisses**
Friday, July 16, 2010
Who am I?
So since I am new to this thing, there's alot that I still have to learn about blogging. And I have just come to realize that I suck at it! lol
I came back to the library to blog some more because I was pissed at my family, but I can't do it (go figure)...why am I such a nice person?? Or do I just try to seem like a nice person? That's what confuses me. I am such an attention horder that there was a time when I would say/do just about anything to get people to like me. Have I changed? Or am I still the same attention seeking drama queen that I've always been? I've told so many lies in my past that I started to believe them myself. And now I'm stuck picking up the broken pieces of my past trying so hard to put them back together.
All those lies have made me into an entirely different person than I wsas three years ago, which one is the real me? Why is it so hard to find out who I really am? Behind all the facade's and deceitfulness (did I spell that right?), behind every person I've become to please others, who. am. I?
I've asked myself that question so many times, and it's hard to really know for sure. I'm trying to just be true to myself and to those who surround me, but what else can I do? ... IDK...
I guess I'm done spilling for now... until next time <3
**kisses**
I came back to the library to blog some more because I was pissed at my family, but I can't do it (go figure)...why am I such a nice person?? Or do I just try to seem like a nice person? That's what confuses me. I am such an attention horder that there was a time when I would say/do just about anything to get people to like me. Have I changed? Or am I still the same attention seeking drama queen that I've always been? I've told so many lies in my past that I started to believe them myself. And now I'm stuck picking up the broken pieces of my past trying so hard to put them back together.
All those lies have made me into an entirely different person than I wsas three years ago, which one is the real me? Why is it so hard to find out who I really am? Behind all the facade's and deceitfulness (did I spell that right?), behind every person I've become to please others, who. am. I?
I've asked myself that question so many times, and it's hard to really know for sure. I'm trying to just be true to myself and to those who surround me, but what else can I do? ... IDK...
I guess I'm done spilling for now... until next time <3
**kisses**
Thursday, July 15, 2010
the beginning
I am currently at the library thinking about how totally random this blog is. Unfortunately it isn't to showcase my master writing abilities... they do not exist. Nor is it to keep you updated on a project I'm working on like in Julie&Julia (I can't stick to anything for too long). It's a totally random and quite strange blog about my life.
I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this. It's just good to get everything out of my system and be open and honest with the world. Now of course I've considered the possibility that all of my personal information could end up in the wrong hands...but I have nothing to hide. So pick and probe all you want :D
So I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
All my life I've known I was different from all of the other guys my age. When they'd talk about sports, girls and more sports, I thought about cooking, guys, and theatre. I mean, I didn't think anything was wrong with it at the time, I just knew it was different.
In the third grade i started "experimenting" with some of the boys in my class. We'd all ask to go to the restroom and once inside we'd touch and kiss, not having the slightest idea what we were doing! It was fun, but after we got caught by other boys in our class it was over. Not to mention embarrassing.
That was when I knew I liked boys. third grade, can you believe it? And I still have people say "you're only a teenager, you don't know what you like" lmao.
So was there an incident that specifically made me gay? No. I wasn't raised by all girls, I didn't play with dolls (alot), and at that point in my life I hadn't been sexually abused by anyone. So people don't "turn" gay...just to get that settled.
**kisses**
I'm not even sure if anyone will ever read this. It's just good to get everything out of my system and be open and honest with the world. Now of course I've considered the possibility that all of my personal information could end up in the wrong hands...but I have nothing to hide. So pick and probe all you want :D
So I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
All my life I've known I was different from all of the other guys my age. When they'd talk about sports, girls and more sports, I thought about cooking, guys, and theatre. I mean, I didn't think anything was wrong with it at the time, I just knew it was different.
In the third grade i started "experimenting" with some of the boys in my class. We'd all ask to go to the restroom and once inside we'd touch and kiss, not having the slightest idea what we were doing! It was fun, but after we got caught by other boys in our class it was over. Not to mention embarrassing.
That was when I knew I liked boys. third grade, can you believe it? And I still have people say "you're only a teenager, you don't know what you like" lmao.
So was there an incident that specifically made me gay? No. I wasn't raised by all girls, I didn't play with dolls (alot), and at that point in my life I hadn't been sexually abused by anyone. So people don't "turn" gay...just to get that settled.
**kisses**
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