I used to tell myself not to fall in love until I'm 24 when my brain is fully developed, but it didn't work out that way. Many people have asked me why I was so depressed the entire first month I came to Palm Desert, CA. I haven't told many people this story, but...here goes.
In October of 2009 I was raped. The only thing is I can't be sure if it's actually considered rape because I set myself up for it. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with alcohol in my system. I got in his car and it was all downhill from there. I understand that I am partly responsible, but no means no. I hate myself for being in that situation because it has only caused hardship in my life. It was three months later when I finally told my aunt (whom I was living with at the time), and I only told her to justify the fact that I was roaming the city in the middle of the night and hopefully to stop myself from getting in more trouble than I was already in.
See, the reason I was out was because I had been having nightmares about the rape. And every time I had those nightmares I'd turn to alcohol (which my aunt was unaware of). The only other thing that helped was to sit on the river walk of downtown Detroit and cry. So I did. And when i tried to explain that to her, she went ballistic...so I left.
But the reason I'm writing is love. throughout all of this there was one person who really kept me sane. We had been dating on and off for about a year and a half and, for lack of a better phrase, I was hooked. I was hooked on him and I couldn't stay away. Once I started falling in love with him I left him for someone else to try and make the feelings go away...but they didn't. And I went back, because I knew that if I didn't I'd die inside. That's what it felt like being away from him.
Whenever something went wrong I knew I could trust him to love me through it, and to hold me until I was lost in his arms and nothing else on earth mattered.
I remember the day I left like it was yesterday. 1/24/10. We spent the whole day together and in our final moments we held each other like the world depended on our closeness. I knew in my heart that in a matter of hours I would be thousands of miles away from my heart, and I hated myself for it. If only I wasn't drinking that night...then I would never have been where I was and that guy would never have had his way with me and I would never have gotten in trouble for being out so late and I wouldn't have chosen to come back to California to be with my mother. It was my only option. And it killed me inside.
Coming to Cali was hell for me. the entire plane ride all I could think about was how much further from him I was getting. People have told me that it was only infatuation...childish infatuation...but I felt it myself. I feel it myself, and it is as real as anything has ever been. I wish it weren't sometimes, but it is.
The whole first month that I was here I cried atleast 5-6 times a day, then I cried myself to sleep. It literally hurt to be away from him. I was sick for a long time and honestly just wanted to die.
It's been almost 6 months and I still feel the same for him. I was in a good relationship for a while, but it was nothing close to what we had. I'm afraid to open my heart for anyone because I'm afraid that if I open it even a little, he'll fly out and I'll lose him forever.
The thing that scares me the most is that I have no clue if he still feels the same way about me. He says he does, but maybe I'm in this a little too deep. It hurts, and I'm doing everything I can not to give up on everything. I will NOT lose everything I worked so hard to get for a lost love...
I've loved, I've lost...now what??
3:08 AM
**kisses**
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