Sunday, August 22, 2010
Coming Out
So I was thinking about my coming out story today, and thought I'd share it with you guyz! it's actually quite funny if I may say so myself :-)
There are actually three different coming out stories. Because I came out to my family three different times (crazy, I know :P) So let's begin, shall we?
7th grade: "The Notebook"
when I was in seventh grade, my friends and I had this notebook that we'd pass around to eachother between classes. It was like texting, before texting was as huge as it is now! << Let me back up a bit.... That year was the year I came out to my friends as bisexual. Even though I was sure I was gay, i thought it'd be easier to do it that way. In the notebook we talked about all of the things we cant say to other people, and some very personal information was contained in the pages of that notebook!
Here comes the upsetting part. One night, after replying to my friends in the notebook (it was my day to take it home), I mistakingly left it sitting on my sisters bed. That night, shortly after falling asleep, I felt a swift kick to my side. it was my mother. She was holding the notebook in her hand and I swear i saw steam coming out of her ears! She had read some of the notes we passed and learned of my secret identity. I was sent to the living room couch so that i could have a talk with my mom and step-dad. Hearing my mom cry like that, asking God "What did I do wrong?" hurt me. I never ment to make her hurt so bad. She sent me to talk to my youth pastro about it and it was soo embarrassing!! So I convinced them that I was pretending to be bisexual to get closer to the girls. (and they believed that load?!) HA!
After about a month the issue was behind us and my parents actually forgot it ever happened. the very next year i got a girlfriend...
10th grade: "Here's who I am"
So I came out as gay to all of my friends at the beginning of 10th grade. By that point I had lived the gay lifestyle in the closet for quite some time. However, I was not ready to break up with my girlfriend. I really liked her (as a friend of course) and would have hated myself to hurt her. I finally did it halfway through sophomore year. ... In January 2008 we moved to Casa Grande, AZ. There was where I really grew to accept who I was. And after a few months i was ready to face my parents. So I told them. "I'm gay" just like that. At first my mom laughed it off. But after a while I couldn't take it any longer. They took it as a joke. I was just "going through a phase" and it would be over soon. I couldn't take it. That night I left home to stay with a friend of mine for a while. It was hard to deal with my parents.
After i got back home, my mom was completely different towards me. All of a sudden every little thing I did was wrong. She didn't let me go to school on the day of silence. She treated me like I was demon possessed. And quite literally the worse thing she's ever done to me, she pulled me out of the school musical a few days before opening night. I couldn't believe that! I hated her guts! It felt like i was living in hell, and I hated every moment that i was at home! ... thankfully, I was in an amazing relationship. His name was Steven, and I was head over heels for that boy. During that time I considered suicide more than once, and it was him that kept me alive... I literally owe him my life <3
I ran away again because I couldn't take my family. My mother would come into my room at night, thinking I was asleep, and she'd pray and cry. And it killed me inside ot know that my mother was hurting so deeply because of me. I had to leave. i stayed with a family who i considered my own. they loved and accepted me for who I was and I absolutely adored them! (the funny part is that they live down the street from where I lived, my parents didn't look that hard). I was there a few days, then went home. It slowly got easier for me.
11th grade "the doctor"
After that whole episode, we never talked about it again. I guess my mom and step-dad made themselves forget, or figured the phase was over adn i was straight. One day my stepdad took me to the doctor, and found out that I have sex with guys... it was hilarious to see the expression on his face. Somewhat like had just bitten into a lemon (peel and all) that had been saturated in skunk spray and piss! lol. So he went and told my mom.. lol and it went downhill from there. It was pretty much a repeat of the above, just not as bad. My mom called our pastor to come over and have a session with me. I guess she thought they could cast the gay out of me! lmfao!! The rest of that year i was constantly on punishment... it sucked :P
Now, everything between me and my parents is fine. They know who I am, and even if they don't agree with my sexual orientation, they accept me and have realized that i will not change (thank Jesus!)
there is so much more that I could tell you, but it would only depress me. I can't put into words the devastation I felt being treated the way that my parents treated me. coming out is never an easy thing, and it is a life-long journey. I encourage anyone struggling to come out to have a strong support system of friends, and to be 100% honest with yourself before you begin.
~*kisses*~
There are actually three different coming out stories. Because I came out to my family three different times (crazy, I know :P) So let's begin, shall we?
7th grade: "The Notebook"
when I was in seventh grade, my friends and I had this notebook that we'd pass around to eachother between classes. It was like texting, before texting was as huge as it is now! << Let me back up a bit.... That year was the year I came out to my friends as bisexual. Even though I was sure I was gay, i thought it'd be easier to do it that way. In the notebook we talked about all of the things we cant say to other people, and some very personal information was contained in the pages of that notebook!
Here comes the upsetting part. One night, after replying to my friends in the notebook (it was my day to take it home), I mistakingly left it sitting on my sisters bed. That night, shortly after falling asleep, I felt a swift kick to my side. it was my mother. She was holding the notebook in her hand and I swear i saw steam coming out of her ears! She had read some of the notes we passed and learned of my secret identity. I was sent to the living room couch so that i could have a talk with my mom and step-dad. Hearing my mom cry like that, asking God "What did I do wrong?" hurt me. I never ment to make her hurt so bad. She sent me to talk to my youth pastro about it and it was soo embarrassing!! So I convinced them that I was pretending to be bisexual to get closer to the girls. (and they believed that load?!) HA!
After about a month the issue was behind us and my parents actually forgot it ever happened. the very next year i got a girlfriend...
10th grade: "Here's who I am"
So I came out as gay to all of my friends at the beginning of 10th grade. By that point I had lived the gay lifestyle in the closet for quite some time. However, I was not ready to break up with my girlfriend. I really liked her (as a friend of course) and would have hated myself to hurt her. I finally did it halfway through sophomore year. ... In January 2008 we moved to Casa Grande, AZ. There was where I really grew to accept who I was. And after a few months i was ready to face my parents. So I told them. "I'm gay" just like that. At first my mom laughed it off. But after a while I couldn't take it any longer. They took it as a joke. I was just "going through a phase" and it would be over soon. I couldn't take it. That night I left home to stay with a friend of mine for a while. It was hard to deal with my parents.
After i got back home, my mom was completely different towards me. All of a sudden every little thing I did was wrong. She didn't let me go to school on the day of silence. She treated me like I was demon possessed. And quite literally the worse thing she's ever done to me, she pulled me out of the school musical a few days before opening night. I couldn't believe that! I hated her guts! It felt like i was living in hell, and I hated every moment that i was at home! ... thankfully, I was in an amazing relationship. His name was Steven, and I was head over heels for that boy. During that time I considered suicide more than once, and it was him that kept me alive... I literally owe him my life <3
I ran away again because I couldn't take my family. My mother would come into my room at night, thinking I was asleep, and she'd pray and cry. And it killed me inside ot know that my mother was hurting so deeply because of me. I had to leave. i stayed with a family who i considered my own. they loved and accepted me for who I was and I absolutely adored them! (the funny part is that they live down the street from where I lived, my parents didn't look that hard). I was there a few days, then went home. It slowly got easier for me.
11th grade "the doctor"
After that whole episode, we never talked about it again. I guess my mom and step-dad made themselves forget, or figured the phase was over adn i was straight. One day my stepdad took me to the doctor, and found out that I have sex with guys... it was hilarious to see the expression on his face. Somewhat like had just bitten into a lemon (peel and all) that had been saturated in skunk spray and piss! lol. So he went and told my mom.. lol and it went downhill from there. It was pretty much a repeat of the above, just not as bad. My mom called our pastor to come over and have a session with me. I guess she thought they could cast the gay out of me! lmfao!! The rest of that year i was constantly on punishment... it sucked :P
Now, everything between me and my parents is fine. They know who I am, and even if they don't agree with my sexual orientation, they accept me and have realized that i will not change (thank Jesus!)
there is so much more that I could tell you, but it would only depress me. I can't put into words the devastation I felt being treated the way that my parents treated me. coming out is never an easy thing, and it is a life-long journey. I encourage anyone struggling to come out to have a strong support system of friends, and to be 100% honest with yourself before you begin.
~*kisses*~
Monday, August 16, 2010
When life gives you lemons..."what the @!#$ do I need lemons for?!"
I am tired of pretending to be content with my life. So I'm not going to New York, boo-hoo. At least I know that I made it this far! And I'll be going to community college, Oh well... I'll get over it. I've come to learn that everything happens for a reason. However, that knowledge does absolutely nothing to make me feel better about myself. Life is a bitch, plain and simple and you're not always going to get everything you want (big surprise) but you learn to live with it.
So my little brother just came home. He was living with my dad for a while, but now he's back and I'm already tired of him. This little f*cker went out and got high, leaving my 11 year old brother at the mall by himself! I don't shive a git that he's out getting high, o well... he's old enough to make his own choices so have at it! But when my eleven year old brother is involved, it's a whole different story. So not only did he leave him at the mall alone, he came back bragging about how high he was! So now my eleven year old brother is looking up at him thinking that smoking weed is all fun and games! Have we forgotten that eleven year old children are extremely impressionable?!
That pissed me off soooo bad!! But...everything happens for a reason.
hmm...
Does that work in this case? What could I have possibly gotten out of that? Besides pissed off by my fifteen year old dumb ass brother?!
Anywho... God, when is it my turn to have a nice slice of the good life? I mean, is it too much to ask to get to go to my dream school?! I guess so... or what about, is it too much to ask to have a brother with a little bit of sense, or a father who's honest and gives a shit, or a mother who accepts me for who I am, or a job, or a boyfriend, or ANYTHING THAT I CAN BE HAPPY ABOUT?!
... well at least I'm alive.
who cares about happiness... am I being un-grateful? I mean, I have a family who loves me (if not like), clothes on my back, food on the table...yadda yadda ya. Happiness is irrelevant.
(3 minutes of zen breathing)
okay, I feel better now. I understand that I'm being a brat, get over it. Just because I am not content with my life doesn't mean that my life is over. I'm not giving up, I refuse to give anyone that pleasure. I am going to make the best of every lemon life gives me and make the best damn lemonade anyone has ever tasted!! (too bad you can't have any) lol. I understand that I have to keep moving forward and take it one day at a time. So, just because happiness is currently M.I.A. does not mean that it will be gone forever. My best bet is just to hang in there <3
Thanks for listening (reading) :-)
~*kisses*~
So my little brother just came home. He was living with my dad for a while, but now he's back and I'm already tired of him. This little f*cker went out and got high, leaving my 11 year old brother at the mall by himself! I don't shive a git that he's out getting high, o well... he's old enough to make his own choices so have at it! But when my eleven year old brother is involved, it's a whole different story. So not only did he leave him at the mall alone, he came back bragging about how high he was! So now my eleven year old brother is looking up at him thinking that smoking weed is all fun and games! Have we forgotten that eleven year old children are extremely impressionable?!
That pissed me off soooo bad!! But...everything happens for a reason.
hmm...
Does that work in this case? What could I have possibly gotten out of that? Besides pissed off by my fifteen year old dumb ass brother?!
Anywho... God, when is it my turn to have a nice slice of the good life? I mean, is it too much to ask to get to go to my dream school?! I guess so... or what about, is it too much to ask to have a brother with a little bit of sense, or a father who's honest and gives a shit, or a mother who accepts me for who I am, or a job, or a boyfriend, or ANYTHING THAT I CAN BE HAPPY ABOUT?!
... well at least I'm alive.
who cares about happiness... am I being un-grateful? I mean, I have a family who loves me (if not like), clothes on my back, food on the table...yadda yadda ya. Happiness is irrelevant.
(3 minutes of zen breathing)
okay, I feel better now. I understand that I'm being a brat, get over it. Just because I am not content with my life doesn't mean that my life is over. I'm not giving up, I refuse to give anyone that pleasure. I am going to make the best of every lemon life gives me and make the best damn lemonade anyone has ever tasted!! (too bad you can't have any) lol. I understand that I have to keep moving forward and take it one day at a time. So, just because happiness is currently M.I.A. does not mean that it will be gone forever. My best bet is just to hang in there <3
Thanks for listening (reading) :-)
~*kisses*~
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I take it back
You know that feeling when your dreams are floating about 500 miles above your head, and you grad your jetpack, throw it on and go after them, then right before you reach out and grab them the gas in your jetpack runs out and you fall back to earth feeling pathetic and heart-broken?... Well that's how I feel right now.
I had every hope set on attending Marymount Manhattan College this fall, unfortunately life didn't want to work out my way. So as of August 30th, I'll be a student at ... it hurts to say... College of the Desert..... AKA Craphole of the Desert, AKA College of Despair -- shall I continue? I think you get the picture.
I can't believe that after all this back and forth I'm ending up here. I got my own hopes up for nothing and I kind of resent myself for it. I should have known that nothing in life goes my way, why should this be any different? I'm trying not to be overly dramatic about this, last time I thought I had to go to COD I cried like a baby, this time I'll wait til I'm by myself.
I've come to realize that in life we just expect things to go our way, when in reality things very rarely go the way we'd like them to. Life's a bitch and then you die... I'm just now understanding that saying, and it's true.
I know everyone tells me its only for a year and then you can transfer, but Marymount isn't getting any cheaper, why should I expect it to be more affordable in a year, or even two? I don't know... I guess I am being dramatic afterall, but it's what I do, that's why I act! If you don't like it stop reading... I'll love you just the same [only less ;-)]
~*kisses*~
I had every hope set on attending Marymount Manhattan College this fall, unfortunately life didn't want to work out my way. So as of August 30th, I'll be a student at ... it hurts to say... College of the Desert..... AKA Craphole of the Desert, AKA College of Despair -- shall I continue? I think you get the picture.
I can't believe that after all this back and forth I'm ending up here. I got my own hopes up for nothing and I kind of resent myself for it. I should have known that nothing in life goes my way, why should this be any different? I'm trying not to be overly dramatic about this, last time I thought I had to go to COD I cried like a baby, this time I'll wait til I'm by myself.
I've come to realize that in life we just expect things to go our way, when in reality things very rarely go the way we'd like them to. Life's a bitch and then you die... I'm just now understanding that saying, and it's true.
I know everyone tells me its only for a year and then you can transfer, but Marymount isn't getting any cheaper, why should I expect it to be more affordable in a year, or even two? I don't know... I guess I am being dramatic afterall, but it's what I do, that's why I act! If you don't like it stop reading... I'll love you just the same [only less ;-)]
~*kisses*~
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Soo excited
So as I've mentioned before, I'm about to leave for college in 3 weeks! Although i am still not all the way there financially, I am sure that it'll work out for the best. I could not be more excited to get the hell out of mommies house and be off on my own! Can you believe it? It seems like I've been waiting for this sooo long and now that it's finally happening I barely know what to do! I go back and forth between being ecstatic and scared, but I truly can't wait.
I'm going to overload you with college life blogs come the 28th so be ready!!
~*kisses**~
I'm going to overload you with college life blogs come the 28th so be ready!!
~*kisses**~
Friday, August 6, 2010
Last nights vision
So it's been quite a while since I've had a premonition like this one. Last night I woke up to get a drink of water from the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen I sat down at the counter and that's the last thing I remember. Next thing I know I'm being flown away by sylphs (air elementals) to the top of a nearby mountain. I look out and instead of seeing the lights of the city I see light beings flying above and below. Every time they stop I feel the pain of the earth. They stop on tree tops and I feel the agonizing burn of forest fires, They stop in fields and hear the anguish in mother Earth's cry, they stop on rocks and I feel the sorrow of generations before, they sit on water and i cry. I cry out for our mother who has been beaten and raped. I cry out for the people who donnot realize the pain they cause. I cry out for the decades of darkness that our mother has seen.
But it doesn't end their. The light beings come together in the sky and dive deep into the core of the earth. I hear one last scream from mother earth and the universe jumps for joy! The pain she withstood for years was gone, the blood spilled on her washed away, and where my tears hit the earth flowers bloomed! I felt clensed and I loved it! I wanted to fly into the air and celebrate, but deep in my heart I knew it was far from over. Because not only does the earth have to change, the hearts of the people who inhabit her must also.
This vision made me both happy and sad. How do we get to this point? When will this happen?
I woke up on the floor of my kitchen, drank my water and went to bed.
~*kisses*~
But it doesn't end their. The light beings come together in the sky and dive deep into the core of the earth. I hear one last scream from mother earth and the universe jumps for joy! The pain she withstood for years was gone, the blood spilled on her washed away, and where my tears hit the earth flowers bloomed! I felt clensed and I loved it! I wanted to fly into the air and celebrate, but deep in my heart I knew it was far from over. Because not only does the earth have to change, the hearts of the people who inhabit her must also.
This vision made me both happy and sad. How do we get to this point? When will this happen?
I woke up on the floor of my kitchen, drank my water and went to bed.
~*kisses*~
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I give up
Why move on when holding on is so much easier?
I've held on this long and I know it's time to let go but I just can't, it hurts so bad and.. I just can't.
I've held on this long and I know it's time to let go but I just can't, it hurts so bad and.. I just can't.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Fear
Image via WikipediaSo I went to prayer at my church on Wednesday and the pastor talked about fear. there really isn't any need for fear in my life. I need to stand up and do something about my fears instead of letting them define me.
I'm always helping people with their problems, whether they're relationship related or indigo related, for some reason they call me. And I love it. I love helping people and I love when people know they can come to me with their problems. But who's going to help me? There's about four people who I can actually be honest with about what's going on in my life... but I don't talk to them as much as I should. And I hate admitting when I'm going through something.
So I'm letting go of my fears. By admitting them here I can strive to let go of them and go on with my life. Fear is the core of all of my problems and I can't get anywhere in life with it. So let me continue my list of fears...
I'm afraid that people are going to look at me and see all the secrets of my past, I'm afraid to be judged, even though I know its inevitable, I'm afraid that I won't be able to help my family and that we'll end up like every other time... kicked out and on the move. I'm afraid that my siblings will have to struggle like I did because we can't afford a better life for them. I'm afraid that my closest brother is going through more than he's ever been through and I'm not there to help him through it. I'm afraid that my career will end up in the gutter, I'm afraid that I will disappoint my mother, I'm afraid that I will destroy my future because of a bad decision I've already made. I afraid that I will gain wait if I don't start exercising regularly, I'm afraid that I'm too average, I'm afraid that I won't get any lead roles in college plays, I'm afraid that I'll be single for the rest of my life, I'm afraid that noone finds me attractive.
I have never expressed those fears to anyone, but now they're out there... and now I can let go of them...hopefully.
~~*kisses*~~
this thing called life...
Image via WikipediaOn top of that my family is struggling worse than we ever have. Six people cannot live comfortably on $12,000 a year! It hurts me so much to see my mom struggle like this and I want to help but idk what to do! Get a job! okay, but do i use the money to help me or my mom? college or family? They'd want me to choose school, but i feel as if I have to take care of them. I don't know what to do, how to think, what to feel...
Theres a void in my life and I don't know what to fill it with. It seems as if happiness is just not a feasible thing right now. Depressed, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, useless...
I want to scream, but who will hear?
I want to cry, but who will catch my tears?
Life is hard, and I'm just now getting a taste of it. Is it too late to spit it out and order something else??
~~*kisses*~~
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