Deep Breath...Here Goes...

Who am I? 

Trapped in this avalanche of a life, 

Lost in a flurry of wrongs and rights. 

What's wrong? What's right? 

I don't know anymore. 

Everything is warped and twisted into unintelligible signs and shapes, 

Make a left at confusion street, go down to disorganization lane, go up lost mans' hill and exit at depression avenue. Starve yourself, pull all-nighters, blame yourself for everything wrong in life, look at the bad side of things and you're halfway there. 

But before you continue you must make a decision. 

Any decision, just decide on something. 

I can't. I can't choose. It's too hard, too much pressure. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I fail? What if everything everyone said about me was right? Maybe I really am just a nobody, doomed to follow in the footsteps of those before me, never making a name for myself, never getting any better or and closer to my goal. What is my goal? Happiness? FAIL! When does it happen then? When will happiness actually be a seemingly attainable goal and not just something to look forward to? Rearview mirrors weren't made to be looked at, they were made to be looked through. How do you know where you've been if all you have to judge by is where you're going? What if I get knocked back to square one. How will I know where to go? I've been there before, but I never looked back to see where I came from. I'm lost, starting all over with an entirely different path. Not knowing if I've been here before... this tree looks familiar, no...wait...they're all the same. FUCK! 

And how will I know once I'm there if I've never been before? Why is life such a BITCH? You know... it's not a bitch. It's a guy. It fucks you and leaves you sitting there looking stupid. 

I told you so. 

Shut up. 

I'm done. I don't know what to do, where to go... it's all looking the same now, I've been here before. Am I walking in circles? I must be. That's the only explanation. 

I guess I'll just go on. Keep my head up, even in the storm. I can't let it get to me. 

My life's a blizzard. It's cold. And my toes are frozen, and my nose is frozen, and all I can do to keep warm is huddle into myself. I'm the only one here. All alone. Fighting to stay alive. 

Think warmth. 

Breathe. 

Stop Breathing. 

Resuscitate. 

Too late.  

Long Island!!

Image via Wikipedia

So I am currently sitting in my friend's bedroom on Long Island! It's so strange after six weeks to see houses and grass and the road!! I forgot what it looked like! The silence is sometimes unbearable, I went outside and I could actually hear myself think! As long as I've dreamed of living in Manhattan, I never really understood what I would be giving up. You never really take the time to appreciate what you have before it's gone. I can think back on Palm Desert and how beautiful the city is... palm trees everywhere you turn, mountains on all sides, and everything the city could do to attract more and more people... "paradise" they call it. And I never took the time to appreciate all of it. So now here I am, wishing I could go back to that moment before I left when I looked up and down my street and actually take the time to really appreciate it. The houses, the trees, the mountains, the sunrise and sunset, mom making breakfast in the morning, sister screaming because she didn't get her way...the things I never paid much attention to are now the things I crave the most.

college is amazing, I absolutely love New York City and everything about it! It's exactly as I dreamed it up and then some! I love my friends, I love my roommates, and I love everything (well almost everything) about college life! (I just can't wait to get home)